Sunday, 10 April 2011

Too Kool 4 Skool

One day there was a little piggie poo called Juliar, she was not a pretty piggie who's parents had tried to extinguish her heritage as she was 2 parts piggie, 1 part shunk and 1 part meerkat. You see mixed bred piggies were a no no in the little village they lived in, Timbuktoo. Timbuktoo was a simple place, where the animals were friendly and and fun loving. Timbuktoo had animals of all size shapes and types, they were kind and generous. In fact Timbuktoo was so damn popular that animals who wanted an easy life and hoped to come to Timbuktoo to bludge off their generosity would pack themselves in all sorts of vessels and tried to come to live in Timbuktoo illegally. But we'll get back to that a little later.

Juliar, was unfortunate looking and lots of the other animals in the land used to pick on Juliar and call her all sorts of nasty names, this made Juliar mad and angry, Juliar decided there and then that she was going to make something of herself and show everyone that even ugly piggies can get somewhere, she was going to be an inspiration to ugly piggies everywhere. Then once she made it and become the most powerful animal in the land and then Fuck Shit Up for everyone in Timbuktoo.

Things in Timbuktoo had been going along just fine and everyone was happy. Little Juiar worked hard and stayed out of the limelight. Everything in Timbuktoo was run by the Market and who ever run the Market controlled everything down in Timbuktoo. Juliar had joined the Market and she was working her way up to the top. The elections to see who would become the next Supreme Chancellor were coming up, a funny little spoodle named Kwud was running for the top job but he needed a running partners. He spotted Juliar around the office one day eating some scraps off the floor. He thought, I will look so handsome and gorgeous next this ugly piggie by my side plus having a piggie as a running partner is so popular right now it's just the in thing. All Juliar's dreams had come true, she was now the second most powerful animal in Timbuktoo. She could start fucking shit up but only just a little.

Supreme Chancellor Kwud was doing such a wonderful job and everyone loved him after being ruled by a little wombat called Little Jon for so many years. He was mixing it up world other town leaders and Juliar's plans of getting all the animals who'd been cruel and mean to her were coming to be.

Well all of a sudden Supreme Chancellor Kwud the spoodle wasn't so popular anymore, apparently he'd been cocking his leg on many of the wheels of industry and the animals of Timbuktoo weren't happy. Vice Treasurary Chancellor Brian the Swan has a little whisper in Juliars ear and next thing you know she and Brian has severed Kwud's jugular and he'd cocked his leg for the last time as his remains were fed to the Jabberwackies. This meant that Juliar was Supreme Chancellor, by default, but none the less she could finally complete her dastardly plan. Juliar started fucking shit up good and proper. Juliar was upset at the cows, they'd been farting in the fields for years now and the methane they produced was screwing with the atmosphere in Timbuktoo. Juliar, desperate for power on the Market had done a secret back door deal in her sty with the weasels and to keep the weasels happy she was going to have to tax milk. The animals of Timbuktoo were becoming restless because everybody loves milk.

Juliar called a press conference to make a big announcement, she needed a distraction from all the shit she was fucking up on the side. everyone would be there from Timbuktoo to hear Juliar's announcement. She stepped up to the podium and just as she was about to speak a unicorn flew down from the clouds and shat on Juliar from above and like a statue in the park Juliar was covered in poo. As she wiped the poo from her eyes Juliar could see a shape appearing in the sky getting bigger and bigger. All of a sudden as if time had stood still for those few moments that Juliar had extracted the poo from here eyes, a strange looking vessel had landed in the field where the people of Timbuktoo had congregated. Several strange shapes appeared, walking on two legs, in their hands they carried strange devices. Juliar was excited and face covered in poo she rushed over to greet the visitors from the unknown. their faces were strange, the had gills on their cheeks and lime green eyes with deep black circles within, their hair was long clumps like a horses tail after a dodgy vindaloo. Juliar thrust out one of her trotters is a gesture of friendship when the creature shot out it's hand and struck Juliar with force, hidden inside the hand was a barb that injected a poison into Juliars body which softens her internal organs and literally sucked the life out of Juliar leaving behind a dried shrivelled corpse. The other animals were frightened and so they should be. Just as these strange creatures began firing a blue pulse beam which stuns the animals before they are fed upon by these Wrath. The Wrath were having a feast, sucking the life out of animals left right and centre. Just all hope was lost, a herd of unicorns flew down from the sky and speared all of these the Wrath to death. The speed and agility of the unicorns was so incredibly fast and furious that the Wrath never stood a chance. The animals of Timbuktoo were saved and everyone cheered and rejoiced with glee and wondrous joy.

On further inspection of the vessel that the alien creatures had come from it contained several devices that proved extremely useful. They found that there were other ways to deal with the cows methane problem, there was also a device that meant that they could get internet access without building a ridiculously expensive infrustrature when everything and everyone is moving towards wireless mobile devices. But the thing that thrilled the animals of Timbuktoo the most and that was a device that could identify illegal vessels carrying animals from other places to Timbuktoo illegally and blow the fuckers out of the face of the planet before they got there and the vessel's stopped coming.

Everything in Timbuktoo had returned to normal and was back to normal in no time at all, things in Timbuktoo could never get better, nothing at all could ruins the wonderful world of Timbuktoo. Until one day a unicorn has sex with a Jabberwocky and produced little Unijabbercorny and things were about to change in Timbuktoo forever................. but that is a story for another day.


  1. ffs!
    Some comments made in the overly-organised fashion of the wombat that I am.
    1. I gather that you didn't get your children to write for you (as you previously suggested).
    2. You just couldn't help yourself could you. I should have known that you'd somehow need to make an argument out of a fiction challenge.
    3. It was absolutely FANTASTIC and hysterical and hands down the best thing I've read in a very long bastard! :D

  2. beleive it or not it's actually 100% original material and wrote it muself... Doing the ankle again and sitting on my arse all day gave me the time to let the creative juices flow

  3. LAUGH MUCH! That was pure brilliance (even if I kinda liked Juliar and felt sorry for poor Kwud...) :D