There ain't no choice about it!

I am a girl. I am 3. I have an older sister who is a few years older than myself, and from all accounts until now, I have had a 'normal' life.

There is a boy who lives next door to us. He is a few years older than me, and he is (what I now know to be) Fijian. His name is Johnny, he is my friend, and we play together at any given opportunity. One day whilst outside playing, Johnny takes off his t-shirt, and runs around in just his shorts. I'm hot too, so I do the same.

When my mother appears at my front door and sees me topless, she quickly runs over to me, and forces the shirt back over my head, much to my dismay. My sister is not far behind her, and repeats what she has clearly just heard prior to coming outside. "Only boys take their shirts off! You're a girl! You have to wear a shirt!"

Why do I have to? I want to be like him!

I am 7. My sister, mother and I have travelled out West to my cousins' place. One of my cousins' is a year younger than me, and is the girliest girl I have ever met. She is all about skirts, shoes, and any popular man on television is her 'boyfriend.' Along with my sister, they quickly discuss Cabbage Patch Kids, the latest craze at the time, how cool they are, and how many they would like. I hate CBK's. I don't understand what all the fuss is about.

Not long after arriving, my mother, aunt, sister and my 2 cousins head off to the local market. Whilst at the market, we come across a store that is selling fake CBK's. My sister and cousin go nuts, and there starts the chant of "CAN I HAVE A CBK?? CAN I HAVE A CBK?? PLLEEEEAAASSSSEEE?????" I am still bewildered.

My mother and aunt give in, after they realise that spending $5 on a fake CBK is far better than the going price tag of $50 (in the '80's!!!). I eye off the other tables around me, and spy a small black remote controlled car. Yeeeaahhhhh!!!!!!!!! That's what I want!!!!!!

"Which CBK do you want?" my aunt asks me.

"I don't want one. Can I have that car instead?"

"You can't have a car! You're a girl! Only boys have toy cars! Here, I'll pick you a CBK."

I am heartbroken. I cry uncontrollably. I don't want the damn doll! I want that car! WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE CAR?

I am 9. It is my birthday. I am having a birthday party with about 10 friends. A close friend of the family is over, along with her 2 girls, who are about the same age as myself and my sister. They are considered family, my cousins and Aunty, as I have known them all my life.

They give me a present. I am giddy with anticipation, so excited, cause let's be honest, it's all about the presents. I rip the paper away, and it's aaaaaaa..... Rainbow Brite doll.

Is that it? Why would they give me that? I force out a 'thank you' and rush off to be with the rest of my guests.

That afternoon, after the last of my friends depart, I go to my bedroom with my 'cousins' to go through the presents I have received. I come across the Rainbow Brite doll. I still don't understand what they think I am going to do with it? I don't want it, it looks like a girl. I want to give Rainbow Brite the opportunity to be a boy, something that I would like to be.

The decision is made. I take to Rainbow Brite with a pair of scissors, and cut all of her hair off. Much better! My cousin dobs on me to my mother and aunt. My aunt instinctively gives me a lecture. When asked why I cut her hair off, I explained that I wanted her to be a him, and that I didn't like dolls.

"Pfft! Of course you like dolls! All little girls like dolls!"

Why do I have to like things that girls like? Why?

I am 11. I am due within the next week to go on a year 6 camp. I am excited, and decide that it would be a good time for a hair cut. I convince my mother to take me to the hairdressers. I have my hair cut short like a boy. I love it!!!!!

The week goes by, and I turn up at school to attend the camp. I am pointed at and laughed at by friends and teachers.

Why are they laughing at me?

During the camp, along with 3 other schools, we are playing some kind of wet weather game. We are all seated in a circle, and for whatever the reason of the game, every second boy, then every second girl must get up and take their turn. I am seated between 2 people from other schools that I don't know. I have counted out around the circle how many turns it will be until my own.

Then without warning, all bar a few of the kids are screaming at me that it is my turn. I am confused, and I stand to take my turn, only to be ushered back to my seat by one of my own teachers.

"hahaha! it's because you look like a boy! That wouldn't have happened if you didn't get your hair cut!!!"

So what if I look like a boy? So what if my hair is short? Why do I have to look like what all the other girls look like? Why?

I am 12. I am a champion netball player. I go to my first training session of the year, and we have a new coach. Kate is 18, gorgeous, smart, funny, and I am immediately attracted to her.

I have an unbelievable year on the court. This is mainly due to receiving so much attention from the coach, which spurs me on even more. Towards the end of the year, nearly 13 years old, I am acutely aware that I am infact a lesbian. A secret that I will hold onto for the next nearly 10 years, just because society says that it isn't acceptable or the norm. All my life I have searched for the answer as to why I was different. It has a name. I'm a lesbian. I'm gay.

There's no way I am sharing this with my friends!!! I've heard what people say about them! I'm in year 7 at school - my social life will be crucified!!!!! Surely I can be 'cured' of this disease! Nah, I'm a teenager - I'll just do what the rest of the girls do - I'll blend. I'll talk about 'guys' the same way my friends do. No body will ever know.

Throughout high school, I am neither popular or not. I have developed a smart assed attitude, and will do anything to make people laugh - anything to take the focus off what I clearly am. I am considered a funny girl, and school is merely a time wasting mechanism to get through my teenage years. I hate myself. I hate that i am uncomfortable acting in this manner, all to please everyone else. I even sleep with a few guys, just to prove to myself who I am, and also to make sure nobody finds out I'm gay.

I am 23. I have developed a tight circle of friends, and we party every weekend and any given opportunity. I still don't have the guts to openly tell them what I am. I start a career within the government. I love it. It is a male dominated environment, and I meet alot of girls who are gay. The job exposes me to every facet of life - gore, humanity, mental illness but to name a few. I quickly realise that life is too short. I need to start living it the way I have always wanted to. I need to start being honest with myself, and be open with my friends and family.

When told I am gay, my mother has no expression. During conversation years later, she admits that originally when told, she thought it may be a phase. With more thought however to stories such as examples given above... Yeah, it was fairly obvious. My main circle of friends I had back then I no longer associate with. It was too uncomfortable. Although they said they never had an issue with it, I found myself being left out of events and even simple conversation.

I am now 32. I am gay. Or a lesbian, carpet muncher, lezzo... Whatever you want to call me. I am who I am. I didn't wake up one day and decide to be this way. I was born this way. I have many gay friends, along with straight - (not that it matters). I cannot change who I am.

I don't doubt that some people choose to live as a gay person, due to the lifestyle, society tag, or whatever reason. But those of us who are openly honest about our sexuality? Yeah, we had no choice whatsoever that we turned out liking our own.

Sexuality - Choice or Hardwired?

Sexuality - What is “normal”?

Unfortunately the topic of sexuality is so controversial I can barely think of another that people taking surveys would be more likely to bend the truth about. Making “normal” or “average” almost impossible to gauge.

My personal belief is that sexuality is a fluid concept, and that though most people identify themselves as completely heterosexual, or completely homosexual for that matter, the truth is more likely to be that they fall somewhere on the spectrum other than completely heterosexual – or completely homosexual.

This does not necessarily make them bi-sexual. And most likely doesn’t come anywhere near Pan-sexuality (some guy told me he was this once and I had to look it up). As far as I can fathom, one can be bisexual and have a general preference for one sex. Pan Sexuals claim not to see gender at all and thus also dig transgendered types.

So why am I carrying on about all this stuff…well…. To make my point which is;

Sexuality is all about how you Identify yourself.

Unfortunately there are people like me that don’t believe that you should identify yourself at all.
You see, I believe that it’s possible for me to fall in love with and be attracted to a person of either sex. Does that make me Bisexual?...Well only if we have to stick a label on it peeps!

What about a person’s experiences? Is that the thing that defines their sexuality? In that case is the preference they have shown for in terms of sexual partners or in terms of love affairs? In this case stacking up my stats gives me a 98 percent chance of batting for team hetro. :P

Born this way?
I do think that people are born with a propensity to be attracted to either a member or the same sex OR the other one (somewhere on the aforementioned spectrum). And I do think that a WHOLE LOT of people have a feeling, in a society that is geared towards heterosexual relationships that something “aint right” from a very very early age.

My Uncle I think is a good example of this. He died of HIV Aids before I could ask him in more detail about what it had been like grown up in the 1950’s “not quite fitting in”. He kept his sexuality from his parents and brother and sister until the last moment, until the HIV tuned to Aids. He could never have a relationship in the daylight. And when he died my beautiful, gorgeous loving Catholic Grandmother, who meant to do the right thing, told everyone that her son had died of Cancer. She told the family that it was just something he “tried” and “look what happened”! We knew better. But that story, in its entirety and my feelings on that whole matter, are a story for another time….stay tuned.

My Uncle was born that way. He never had a girlfriend. He found himself attracted towards the same sex, as far as we can fathom, from the beginning.

In THIS way I believe that sexuality is there from birth and not a choice one makes, as if choosing between the 1.25ml “Full Strength” Coke and the “Zero”

Are there “things” that can happen in a person’s life that make them swing more in one direction than the other?

Sure, I think so….but it’s hard to know.

I have known quite a few women who identify as Gay, who have been sexually abused by men at a young age, sometimes repeatedly. Did this experience turn them off men so much so that they looked towards women instead – I think there’s a feasible argument to be made here, but for a minority of people.

Then again, I also know at least 2 gay men who were sexually abused by men as teenagers. Did the fact that they were exposed to sexual concepts that may not have otherwise crossed their radar make them more likely to consider these things, where they may not have before? Maybe. But in all I think that this is a considerably less convincing argument than the former.

Where the “Choosing” comes in
So, we’ve gone full circle now and ended up where we began…sorta.

The choosing comes into the equation because unless you’re living in some sort of sectarian sect, or other repressive situation YOU get to choose your own Identity.

Let’s not be the ones who repress.

Sexuality - Choice or Hardwired?

One or the other. Is it actually this simple? I'm not so sure. There's evidence for both sides of the debate, and that's even if we think sexuality is that black and white.

Natural selection would seem to prove that it can't be hardwired. After all, wouldn't the homosexual "genes" have bred themselves out of existence? Gay couples don't produce children by natural means.

But what about bisexual people? And what about women and their careers? In many cultures, the only real work available for an unmarried woman was to become a prostitute. Perhaps then, bisexual people and lesbian prostitutes have passed down some "gay" gene.

If this were true, wouldn't it be a difficult gene to avoid? Yet most children of gay parents aren't gay. Nor the grandchildren... scientists surely would have identified a pattern of inheritance by now, if it existed. They have traced far more elusive "conditions".

There is another kind of hardwire to consider. Perhaps all gay people have a gene mutation. I'm sure a lot of gay people would get a good laugh out of that - but our knowledge of genes so far seems to suggest that being gay is far too common to be a mutation. And what of the people who bat for both teams? Are they just partial mutants? (And isn't that a "nice" concept...)

So, we're left with choice. But, really? Wouldn't we have somewhere along the way figured out why gay people choose to be gay? What sort of idiot would choose to be shunned by society, spat on, teased mercilessly, treated as an outcast, and so on? Gay people certainly aren't the dregs of the intelligence pool; I'm yet to see any evidence that they could all be so stupid.

Let's assume there are people who don't see any bad side to "choosing" homosexuality. Imagine you were walking down the street and saw the most perfect, attractive human being that ever graced this earth. Everything about them is exactly what you like; nothing is what you don't; a complete image of your wildest dreams come true. Do you think you could choose not to like them? To not find them attractive? Is there anything that anyone could say to you to change what you feel? Or does attraction usually just happen without much control? Who, seriously, can turn to the complete opposite, and convince themselves to drool? Anyone? If you hate anchovies, will they start to smell delicious if you sniff them long enough?

So maybe we're being too exact, and we should ask whether it's in the upbringing. Not so much a choice, but an influence. It's true that some gay people find it "easier" to embrace who they are, thanks to a supportive family. But it's a stretch to think that it could be upbringing alone. Especially considering there are twins in this world with different orientations. And there are enough of them out there to conclude that the parents probably aren't "turning" their kids gay.

What about morality? Well, morals change according to culture, too. There's nothing wrong with cannibalism in some cultures, after all. It's certainly true that the Christian bible denounces homosexuality, but it's also true that children raised Christian still sometimes turn out to be gay - did the parents fail in their teachings? Unlikely, when they usually have hetero children too.

It is such a complex discussion, and it branches in so many directions. Nobody can hope to cover every facet in one post, or we'd be here for a decade. And I've even left a glaring chunk completely out. There are some of us who wonder why anyone has to be defined by a gender in the first place. Who don't feel that any particular gender even matters. Inevitably we all have parts of us defined by our pants - since we all grew up in some kind of society - but why should we? I don't find people physically attractive based on gender. I married my husband because I love him, and I love him for his intellect. So what am I? I have to use the label "bisexual" because people understand it, but I daresay "omnisexual" is a better word - when it comes to whether people possess a Y chromosome, I simply don't care.

Personally - and not particularly scientifically - I believe it's a combination of All Of The Above. I think it's far too simplistic to make a one-or-the-other call. I can appreciate that a person's experiences of the world influence their attractions. And I can also appreciate that all of us are individuals with different tastes and desires which (who knows) might simply be differences in how our brains are structured. After all, none of us thinks in exactly the same way as the next person.

Thankfully.

Image: Nikki Kaye

Sexuality - Choice or Hardwired - Discuss

First things first. I can't "discuss". I tend to ramble. Ramble with strong opinions...

Anyhow, appropriate topic considering the GLBT Mardi Gras parade was on last night.

If I had a penny for every time I was told that homosexuality can be "changed" or "cured" I would be a multi-millionaire.

Although there are arguments both ways, I strongly believe sexuality is hardwired.

Ex-gay programs (also known as reparative therapy) have been around for years now, promising a either a "cure", "helping you out of the homosexual lifestyle" or "freedom from homosexuality". These have been pushed by churches as the best approach for individuals who are "struggling" to essentially help them "pray away the gay".

There have been many studies each way, but to me to evidence and numerous seem to push that sexuality is hardwired. There is a long list of cognitive and physiological differences referenced from different studies available at http://dft.ba/-Biological

On the other hand, Scientists have been trying for years to discover if there is a "gay gene" with no success. There are also beliefs that sexual orientation can be caused in guys by having an overbearing mother and a distant father, hearing from lots of my gay friends and from personal experience, this is often far from the truth.

Scientists have been trying for years to discover if there is a "gay gene" with no success.

To me, sexuality is as much of a choice as eye color, skin color, and being left or right handed. It may or may not be genetic, but you have been assigned it.

There are plenty of things I would like to change about myself that I have been assigned (genetic and non-genetic), however I know most of them can't be changed. You need to make peace with it, and move on, making the most of what you have.

In the end, I believe we are all children of God. And should all treat and be treated with respect. No matter what life assigns us.