Sexuality: choice or hardwired

Ahh.

The problem with hardwiring
I find
Is that it has so little give.

Even the word:
hardwired
So many edges,
Spiky vowels;
the curvaceous, sensuous ‘g’ merely tagged on like an afterthought.

So much for being
Good
Giving
And Game
(thanks, Dan Savage)

It might be good.
It’s a computing metaphor, so it’s got to be game.
But giving?
I’m not feeling it.

And I like (to be) a generous lover.

Choice,
On the other hand
Is round
Open
Enveloping
With a lingering
Sibilant
‘ssssss’
like a tip-of-the-tongue caress

Perhaps it depends on whether you want to be whipped
Ouch
Spanked
Ooh
Cut
Mmmm

Or swallowed.

Let’s choose…to embrace it all
To dissolve the binary in the mess we make.

Sexuality - Choice or Hardwired?

It's kind of difficult to put my feelings on this matter into words. I may have a small mountain of screwed-up paper on my desk, each one covered in expletives and scribbles. Maybe.

I must have re-wrote this post at least 4 times today. And then, at one point, I decided; "Screw it," and re-wrote it from scratch. My mum read some of my drafts, and then said one of the most awesomest things I've ever heard; "I don't think that's how you really feel. I've spoken to you about this sort of thing before, and your opinions were much more extra cleverer than this." Psssh. I dunno about that.

So, my ever-helpful mum began to ask me the questions vital to this post, and I found myself answering them in ways I did not expect possible from me..... so, I'll write them here.

The first thing she asked me was "Is sexuality unavoidable, or is it something you choose for yourself?"

I have always felt that how you live is a choice, but who you are is not. You cannot help who you are. Your own sexuality is not determined by you, your life and your actions are. You can pretend to be whatever you like, but your actions alone will not change YOU.

You are stuck with your sexuality. Being stuck with it and not being able to deal with it are two seperate things, however. If you are, but don't want to be, say, bisexual, you have the right to act straight if you want to, but you will still be bisexual. Even if you deny it with all your heart.

You can't help what you feel.

Sexuality - Choice or Hardwired?

Sexuality - What is “normal”?

Unfortunately the topic of sexuality is so controversial I can barely think of another that people taking surveys would be more likely to bend the truth about. Making “normal” or “average” almost impossible to gauge.

My personal belief is that sexuality is a fluid concept, and that though most people identify themselves as completely heterosexual, or completely homosexual for that matter, the truth is more likely to be that they fall somewhere on the spectrum other than completely heterosexual – or completely homosexual.

This does not necessarily make them bi-sexual. And most likely doesn’t come anywhere near Pan-sexuality (some guy told me he was this once and I had to look it up). As far as I can fathom, one can be bisexual and have a general preference for one sex. Pan Sexuals claim not to see gender at all and thus also dig transgendered types.

So why am I carrying on about all this stuff…well…. To make my point which is;

Sexuality is all about how you Identify yourself.

Unfortunately there are people like me that don’t believe that you should identify yourself at all.
You see, I believe that it’s possible for me to fall in love with and be attracted to a person of either sex. Does that make me Bisexual?...Well only if we have to stick a label on it peeps!

What about a person’s experiences? Is that the thing that defines their sexuality? In that case is the preference they have shown for in terms of sexual partners or in terms of love affairs? In this case stacking up my stats gives me a 98 percent chance of batting for team hetro. :P

Born this way?
I do think that people are born with a propensity to be attracted to either a member or the same sex OR the other one (somewhere on the aforementioned spectrum). And I do think that a WHOLE LOT of people have a feeling, in a society that is geared towards heterosexual relationships that something “aint right” from a very very early age.

My Uncle I think is a good example of this. He died of HIV Aids before I could ask him in more detail about what it had been like grown up in the 1950’s “not quite fitting in”. He kept his sexuality from his parents and brother and sister until the last moment, until the HIV tuned to Aids. He could never have a relationship in the daylight. And when he died my beautiful, gorgeous loving Catholic Grandmother, who meant to do the right thing, told everyone that her son had died of Cancer. She told the family that it was just something he “tried” and “look what happened”! We knew better. But that story, in its entirety and my feelings on that whole matter, are a story for another time….stay tuned.

My Uncle was born that way. He never had a girlfriend. He found himself attracted towards the same sex, as far as we can fathom, from the beginning.

In THIS way I believe that sexuality is there from birth and not a choice one makes, as if choosing between the 1.25ml “Full Strength” Coke and the “Zero”

Are there “things” that can happen in a person’s life that make them swing more in one direction than the other?

Sure, I think so….but it’s hard to know.

I have known quite a few women who identify as Gay, who have been sexually abused by men at a young age, sometimes repeatedly. Did this experience turn them off men so much so that they looked towards women instead – I think there’s a feasible argument to be made here, but for a minority of people.

Then again, I also know at least 2 gay men who were sexually abused by men as teenagers. Did the fact that they were exposed to sexual concepts that may not have otherwise crossed their radar make them more likely to consider these things, where they may not have before? Maybe. But in all I think that this is a considerably less convincing argument than the former.

Where the “Choosing” comes in
So, we’ve gone full circle now and ended up where we began…sorta.

The choosing comes into the equation because unless you’re living in some sort of sectarian sect, or other repressive situation YOU get to choose your own Identity.

Let’s not be the ones who repress.

Sexuality - Choice or Hardwired?

One or the other. Is it actually this simple? I'm not so sure. There's evidence for both sides of the debate, and that's even if we think sexuality is that black and white.

Natural selection would seem to prove that it can't be hardwired. After all, wouldn't the homosexual "genes" have bred themselves out of existence? Gay couples don't produce children by natural means.

But what about bisexual people? And what about women and their careers? In many cultures, the only real work available for an unmarried woman was to become a prostitute. Perhaps then, bisexual people and lesbian prostitutes have passed down some "gay" gene.

If this were true, wouldn't it be a difficult gene to avoid? Yet most children of gay parents aren't gay. Nor the grandchildren... scientists surely would have identified a pattern of inheritance by now, if it existed. They have traced far more elusive "conditions".

There is another kind of hardwire to consider. Perhaps all gay people have a gene mutation. I'm sure a lot of gay people would get a good laugh out of that - but our knowledge of genes so far seems to suggest that being gay is far too common to be a mutation. And what of the people who bat for both teams? Are they just partial mutants? (And isn't that a "nice" concept...)

So, we're left with choice. But, really? Wouldn't we have somewhere along the way figured out why gay people choose to be gay? What sort of idiot would choose to be shunned by society, spat on, teased mercilessly, treated as an outcast, and so on? Gay people certainly aren't the dregs of the intelligence pool; I'm yet to see any evidence that they could all be so stupid.

Let's assume there are people who don't see any bad side to "choosing" homosexuality. Imagine you were walking down the street and saw the most perfect, attractive human being that ever graced this earth. Everything about them is exactly what you like; nothing is what you don't; a complete image of your wildest dreams come true. Do you think you could choose not to like them? To not find them attractive? Is there anything that anyone could say to you to change what you feel? Or does attraction usually just happen without much control? Who, seriously, can turn to the complete opposite, and convince themselves to drool? Anyone? If you hate anchovies, will they start to smell delicious if you sniff them long enough?

So maybe we're being too exact, and we should ask whether it's in the upbringing. Not so much a choice, but an influence. It's true that some gay people find it "easier" to embrace who they are, thanks to a supportive family. But it's a stretch to think that it could be upbringing alone. Especially considering there are twins in this world with different orientations. And there are enough of them out there to conclude that the parents probably aren't "turning" their kids gay.

What about morality? Well, morals change according to culture, too. There's nothing wrong with cannibalism in some cultures, after all. It's certainly true that the Christian bible denounces homosexuality, but it's also true that children raised Christian still sometimes turn out to be gay - did the parents fail in their teachings? Unlikely, when they usually have hetero children too.

It is such a complex discussion, and it branches in so many directions. Nobody can hope to cover every facet in one post, or we'd be here for a decade. And I've even left a glaring chunk completely out. There are some of us who wonder why anyone has to be defined by a gender in the first place. Who don't feel that any particular gender even matters. Inevitably we all have parts of us defined by our pants - since we all grew up in some kind of society - but why should we? I don't find people physically attractive based on gender. I married my husband because I love him, and I love him for his intellect. So what am I? I have to use the label "bisexual" because people understand it, but I daresay "omnisexual" is a better word - when it comes to whether people possess a Y chromosome, I simply don't care.

Personally - and not particularly scientifically - I believe it's a combination of All Of The Above. I think it's far too simplistic to make a one-or-the-other call. I can appreciate that a person's experiences of the world influence their attractions. And I can also appreciate that all of us are individuals with different tastes and desires which (who knows) might simply be differences in how our brains are structured. After all, none of us thinks in exactly the same way as the next person.

Thankfully.

Image: Nikki Kaye

Sexuality - Choice or Hardwired - Discuss

First things first. I can't "discuss". I tend to ramble. Ramble with strong opinions...

Anyhow, appropriate topic considering the GLBT Mardi Gras parade was on last night.

If I had a penny for every time I was told that homosexuality can be "changed" or "cured" I would be a multi-millionaire.

Although there are arguments both ways, I strongly believe sexuality is hardwired.

Ex-gay programs (also known as reparative therapy) have been around for years now, promising a either a "cure", "helping you out of the homosexual lifestyle" or "freedom from homosexuality". These have been pushed by churches as the best approach for individuals who are "struggling" to essentially help them "pray away the gay".

There have been many studies each way, but to me to evidence and numerous seem to push that sexuality is hardwired. There is a long list of cognitive and physiological differences referenced from different studies available at http://dft.ba/-Biological

On the other hand, Scientists have been trying for years to discover if there is a "gay gene" with no success. There are also beliefs that sexual orientation can be caused in guys by having an overbearing mother and a distant father, hearing from lots of my gay friends and from personal experience, this is often far from the truth.

Scientists have been trying for years to discover if there is a "gay gene" with no success.

To me, sexuality is as much of a choice as eye color, skin color, and being left or right handed. It may or may not be genetic, but you have been assigned it.

There are plenty of things I would like to change about myself that I have been assigned (genetic and non-genetic), however I know most of them can't be changed. You need to make peace with it, and move on, making the most of what you have.

In the end, I believe we are all children of God. And should all treat and be treated with respect. No matter what life assigns us.